Long Way Forward
by techManticore
Summary: Yuuri is getting better at opening up to Victor and telling him what he wants


"Victor," Yuuri says hesitantly one morning. "There's something I want to suggest. About my program."

"Oh?" is all Victor says at first. They're both on the floor of the Ice Castle locker room. Yuuri's legs are spread out on either side and Victor is behind him, gently pushing on Yuuri's shoulders to help him stretch out his back. No one else is around and it was quiet, which made Yuuri all the more nervous. "Tell me then," Victor continues when Yuuri doesn't elaborate after a couple of seconds, "if it's the choreography it might be a little too late to—"

"No," Yuuri cuts him off quickly "It's not the choreography. It's…it's about what I'm wearing. Sort of." Victor doesn't say anything, but he stops stretching Yuuri and Yuuri knows he's listening intently. Even though Yuuri produced this program ultimately himself he still rarely made suggestions without being prodded about them a bit. This is the first time Yuuri's came to Victor with an idea without Victor's prompting first. And that alone makes Yuuri's anxiety skyrocket. Because this isn't any old suggestion, it's new and different and possibly _weird_. And Yuuri doesn't want Victor to think of him any differently. So he hesitates.

"I was just—I was wondering if I could…" Yuuri swallows hard and takes a deep breath, composing himself. "I was wondering if I could possible wear some…makeup when I perform."

Victor is quiet far too long, Yuuri believes, after his stuttered confession and he almost takes it back. Almost tells Victor to never mind or that he wasn't serious. But he doesn't. He just waits to see what Victor thinks.

"Have you worn makeup before?" is what Victor says eventually.

The question is unexpected and startles Yuuri. It takes him a couple of beats to answer.

"Um once," he says, "but it didn't turn out so good."

Yuuri remembers it pretty clearly. The memory seared on his brain like a brand. He had bought the makeup on a whim. He still lived in Detroit at the time. He was stocking up on shampoo and other toiletries when the display across the aisle caught his eye. Before he realized what he was doing he had wandered over to the cosmetics section eyes sweeping over the almost overwhelming array of products. He picked up a stick of eyeliner and inspected it hesitantly. The more he held it the more he wanted it. _I want to buy this_ , he thought, _I want to wear this._ His heartbeat picked up. He could do this, buy these things here in Detroit. No one knew him. No one would question him. He could try this. Those thoughts spurred him on and before he could talk himself out of it he put the eyeliner and a couple of other things into his basket. It wasn't much, just some mascara and a small pallet of nude tone eyeshadow. Cheap and conservative. But it made him happy.

Later that night, long after his roommate went to bed Yuuri dug the makeup out of the bottom of his desk drawer where he was hiding it taking it to his desk where he had a little lamp and mirror set up. It wasn't ideal. The lamp was dim and the mirror tiny but it was all he had at the moment so he had to make it work. Nervously he uncapped the eyeliner first. He had no clue really what he was doing as he brought a shaky hand up to his eyelid.

The result was…quite awful. His lines were shaky and a little too far from his eyelashes. He also blinked a couple of time so there were stray marks of eyeliner here and there along his eyelid.

Yuuri sighed. He could already feel his heart sinking. He didn't even want to mess with the mascara or eyeshadow now. He knew it. He couldn't pull something like this off. It wasn't…right. Or good. He should just…forget about it. He shoved the makeup back in his desk after cleaning up the mess on his face. In all honesty he should just throw it out. He wasn't going to use it anymore. But he didn't. He couldn't. Not just yet.

By the time he was getting ready to move back to Hasetsu Yuuri still hadn't thrown away the makeup. He certainly should throw it away now. He didn't need to lug anymore junk back home and what if his parents found it. There would be questions. Questions he wasn't quite equipped to answer yet. But again he hesitated. He didn't want to throw it out. He wanted to keep the makeup. So he put it into the box with some of this bathroom things and taped it up. Maybe he could figure out a way to give it to his sister at least. She could probably get some use out of it. But he didn't end up giving it to Mari. He kept it in the bottom of his desk drawer like before. Waiting for…something? Yuuri didn't know. He just couldn't bear to get rid of the makeup.

"Yuuri?" Victor's voice brings him back to reality. He had been saying something but Yuuri had been too lost in thought and didn't pay attention.

"I'm sorry," Yuuri gasps, blushing furiously, "what did you say?"

"I said do you want to try wearing makeup again" Victor says seriously. "I could help you if you want."

"O-okay," And Yuuri is too shocked to be embarrassed that his coach is offering to help him put on makeup of all things. "Thank you."

"Do you still have some makeup?" Victor asks.

"Yeah," Yuuri nods. "It's kind of old, but it should still be okay."

"Alright. Tonight then, after dinner, I'll help you. But right now we must practice!" Victor says as he returns to stretching Yuuri.

Yuuri has butterflies all the way through dinner. He feels silly. It's not like it's a big deal or anything. But then again it sure feels like a big deal to Yuuri. This makeup thing, he realizes, is important to him and Victor is treating it seriously and wants to help him. And Yuuri can't be happier. It really is okay to open up to Victor and tell him what he wants.

"Ready?" Victor says once he and Yuuri are cleaning up.

Yuuri nods and follows Victor up the stairs, making a quick detour into his room for the makeup before meeting Victor in his own bedroom. Yuuri is a bit surprised that this is the spot Victor chose, he's expecting the bathroom or his own room. Not that Victor's room is a bad choice or anything. It just seems much more intimate to Yuuri, for some reason.

Victor motions for Yuuri to sit, designating a spot in the middle of the room. Yuuri obeys, wishing his heart pounding hard in his chest would calm down just a little. Victor kneels in front of Yuuri taking the small collection of makeup from Yuuri's trembling hands.

"Eyeshadow first," Victor's voice is soft, a soothing contrast to the loud blood rushing behind his ears. It was grounding and Yuuri felt himself relax slightly.

Victor pops open the package and sweeps the applicator over one of the lighter colors in the pallet. Yuuri closes his eyes as Victor reaches over and glides the eyeshadow on to Yuuri's left eyelid. Victor's knuckles brush over Yuuri's cheek as he blends the makeup and it makes Yuuri's heart go into overdrive again.

"This color then, I think," Victor mumbles mostly to himself, after finishing Yuuri's right eye. The pressure of the applicator is gone for a moment before returning again. This process repeats once more before Yuuri hears the lid of the eyeshadow close.

"Okay, eyeliner next," Victor says. "Keep your eyes closed." Yuuri does and tries to remain as still as possible but when Victor touches the point to his eyelid Yuuri flinches, causing the eyeliner to smear a little.

"Ah, sorry," Yuuri whispers face flaring up in a blush.

"Relax," Victor chides softly, his thumb rubbing along the corner of Yuuri's eye to fix the mistake.

Victor tries again and this time Yuuri manages to hold still.

"Where did you learn to do this," Yuuri asks, his voice is still hushed, like he's afraid that if he talks too loudly the moment would be ruined. "A girlfriend?"

"Mm partly," is Victor's vague replay, and he doesn't offer any elaboration either. "There"

Victor finishes lining Yuuri's other eye and now the mascara is last. "If you want to do more of this, for your program or whenever, we'll have to get you some better makeup. And brushes too. I can help you with that too. If you'd like. Open."

"Yeah…yeah I'd like that," Yuri says thickly, he sort of feels like crying. He blinks at Victor and feels hot under his intense gaze. "Thank you."

"Of course," Victor smiles warmly, then after a minute. "You're done now. Let me get you a mirror."

Yuuri's eyes slip shut again and he hears Victor walk away and rummage through some drawers for a moment before slipping a hand held mirror into Yuuri's hands.

"Look," Victor commands gently. His chin is on Yuuri's shoulder and his breath tickles Yuuri's ear as he whispers. "What do you think?"

Yuuri grips the handle of the mirror tightly as he finally opens his eyes, and—"

"I love it," Yuuri breaths, it's almost overwhelming how much he likes it. The mascara makes his lashes look impossibly long, and the eyeshadow giving his eyes a definition to them that's startling. But his favorite is the eyeliner. The lines are bold, but not overpowering and there is just the tiniest wing at the crease of his eye. He never knew he could look like this. He never knew it would feel this good to look like this.

"I love it too," Victor says wrapping his arms around Yuuri's shoulders and giving him a little squeeze. "Is this what you want to do? For your program?"

"Yeah," Yuuri's mouth is stretched into am impossibly wide smile "Thank you," he says for what feels like the thousandth time that night.

"Always," Victor says, pressing his lips to Yuuri's temple. "If it makes you feel more confident on the ice I'd do anything for you. It's my job."

Yuuri nods, he can't think of anything else to say. So he just leans into Victors touch and thanks him again.


End file.
